When you leave, it's the loneliest feeling in the world.

I wish i wrote the way i thought,
Obsessively,
Incessantly,
With maddening hunger.
I'd write to the point of suffocation.
I'd write myself into nervous breakdowns,
Manuscripts spiralling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing.
And I'd write about you more than i should.

In your passion, i was lost..

Sometimes i don't know what's worse, reality or the thoughts and scenarios in my head.

Thursday, October 27
I'm disappointed, disappointed in the time that didn't mean much, or the words that i wrote but eventually was forgotten, disappointed in the tears and blood, my black lungs and the overnight leftovers of my dead cigarettes, my thoughts and my voice, the voice that breaks each time i remember, disappointed in my lack of willingness to breathe when everything comes to hunt me at night, my unhinged desire to visit a soul who could easily crush my last nerve, disappointed in my tired body, my tired soul and my burning rage of anger, disappointed in him, in her, in them too, I'm disappointed in every way possible.

Happy Halloween

Monday, November 2
I couldn't see you today in my dreams but i saw our thoughts, our first promises and our wild fantasies..
u are not here,
but, everything else is.
Stars, smoke, songs, dreams, space, thoughts, nightmares, dark humor..
Depression, anxiety, lovesick, panic attacks, paranoia, overthinking.
But somehow nothing feels the same.
Nothing is the same anymore.

Most species
Bare their teeth
As a threat
As a display
Of aggression
Of leadership

It is a reminder
That these
Clenched jaws
Can and will
Open your
Yielding throat ~

I want you to think of this
The next time I smile.

I guess I'll always be in denial of what happened to you, i know but i hate to know, you are not here yet u never left my mind, i wish i had more time with you, i wish i played with you more, hugged you more, i wish you were here.

December 26, 00:00
My North star you passed another year, you fought, you pushed, you argued, you lived, you handled everything, you shined then almost faded but went back on track again and lightened your sky along with mine once more with your beautiful spark, you refused to give in to the fading temptation, you shined brighter in my eyes each time you get over another cruel situation in our tiring lifetime, proud to have the ability to watch you live, to watch you grow and watch you glitter your way through your dreams, I'm proud of you, I'll always be..
Happy birthday ~~<3

What I’m I Supposed To Say

<33.

No need, u just deserved it 🖤

...

- Did you ever feel you could make people happier if you just left?
: .. No?
- Were you abandoned earlier in your life?
: Aa-.. aa..
- That was not a hard question, it deserves yes or no.
- Simply answer the question.
: ..
: Yes.
- Well I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were going to start crying.
- You're a sensitive man, aren't you?
: ..
- You need a partner.
- You nodded a little quickly on that one.
- You're lonely, aren't you?
: A little bit.
- That's okay.
- What have you discovered about being alone?
- Seek deep inside of you, what have you found about being alone?
: It's peaceful.
- Peaceful. Meditative.
: Yes.
- So really, you don't need a partner?
: No.
- You're okay alone?
: Yeah.
- It's alright.
: I-..
- We love you anyway.
: I-i don't believe that.
- You don't believe that we love you?
: I don't believe that you, can feel any other emotion than hate.
- I'm. I'm loving you right now.
: It doesn't feel like that.
- feelings aren't real.
- feelings are a reaction to a perceived wound that's never been healed.
- Apparently you were very wounded as child.
: ..yeah..
- So here's something i want you to think about. You ready?
: Uhmm..
- Life is meant to be lived in the moment, not through what you have, but what you can give.
: ..
- What do you think of that statement?
: It's facts, i agree.
- Then how come you're so fucked up?